Easter conspicuously lacks the traditions of getting totally plastered.

WHEN I was a kid I used to love Easter, mainly because some huge rabbit came and left chocolate eggs all over our garden for my sisters and I to find. I would hoard mine for months like an eight-year-old version of Scrooge, jealously guarding them from chocolate thieves. I would peel off the wrappers bit by bit, nibbling 5 millimetres a day so that my stash would run out the day before Easter the next year.

That was then and this is now, which unfortunately means that as far as I’m concerned Easter has all the allure of a cold bath in November. Of all the holidays in the year this is the one that’s really for kids, with children receiving the overwhelming majority of chocolate eggs. Adults might occasionally get one of those solid chocolate Fazer eggs – admittedly containing enough sugar and cocoa to prompt the onset of diabetes and a high lasting until mid-June – but that’s it.

Furthermore, Easter conspicuously lacks the traditions of getting totally plastered as at Midsummer, receiving a bunch of presents like at Christmas, and the general disorganised chaos, fighting and vomiting in the streets of Vappu (May Day).

Basically, for most of us over the age of ten, Easter is totally pointless. Apart from pre-adolescents, this particular celebration is important only for Christians, who nominally spend 40 days celebrating the resurrection of Jesus and his metamorphosis into a bunny (Is that right? Ed.). Bizarrely, for such a life-affirming story Easter occurs at a particularly depressing time of year.

For one thing, the precise date on which Good Friday falls varies from year to year. Depending on the year and what the winter was like, this miraculous celebration could take place on a day when the flowers bloom beautifully and the smells of spring fill the air with their message of renewal and hope; or it could fall on a day where venturing outside involves facing up to gale force winds, horizontal rain and trudging through knee-high puddles of slush.

Not only that, but after winter a lot of people suffer from spring depression. Add to this the fact that even if the weather is good, people are too busy enjoying it after months of sub-zero temperatures to think about stuff like religion. I mean, would you rather think about some poor guy who allegedly died for our sins – or stuff your face with chocolate? Decisions, decisions.

Nick Barlow