AS IS usual at this time of year, let’s take a look back over the last twelve months and consider the turning points, which we will remember for decades to come (or not).
January. Attempting to recreate Lordi’s Eurovision success of 2006, an unheard of duo by the name of Kuunkuiskaajat was voted Finland’s entry in the 2010 competition. They sucked and didn’t reach the final, partly because no one could pronounce their name.
February. The 2010 Winter Olympics results in a feeble medal haul for Finland – one silver and four bronze – but amazingly no doping scandal.
March. The useless Finnish football team were beaten 2-0 by Moldova in the Euro 2012 qualifiers – a dark day for Finnish sport and the beginning of the end for the inept Stuart Baxter.
April. The erupting Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajökull causes air traffic chaos over Europe and North America, giving a big “F-you” from nature to humankind.
May. Apple finally releases the iPad, giving shallow consumers the world over wet pants and another chance to buy overpriced technological goods they don’t need.
June. The summer’s glut of festivals and rock concerts began with AC/DC in Tampere, and Guns N’ Roses, Green Day, and Whitney Houston (!) in Helsinki.
July. Nothing happens in Finland in July.
August. Darwin’s theory of natural selection is again proved correct as one man dies and another is seriously injured at the totally juvenile and now-defunct Sauna World Championships, just one of many ridiculous competitions held in Finland so that foreigners can laugh at us.
September. Newsweek ranks Finland the best country in the world ever, although tabloid paper Ilta-Sanomat does its best to prove that actually Switzerland should have won. Thanks all the same.
October. Christian Democrat MP Päivi Räsänen makes intolerant and offensive remarks concerning gay people during a TV debate, leading, bizarrely, to a mass exodus of Lemming-like Finns from the Lutheran Church.
November. Princess Victoria visits Finland. The whole country came to a standstill as Sweden’s Princess and her hubby deigned to grace us with their royal presence. Why anyone in the Republic of Finland gives a flying rat’s arse about royals from other countries is yet to be explained.
December. Nokia is criticised for child labour used in mines in Africa supplying mobile phone components. Minorities both linguistic and cultural in Finland are under serious threat. The right wing and unpleasant True Finns gain support from disaffected members of the public. Finland is criticised by the OECD for a lack of anti-corruption mechanisms. Christmas is cancelled. Happy holidays!