Typography

JANUARY

Internet provider Elisa become the first Finnish company to prevent their customers from accessing The Pirate Bay. The move was instigated by entertainment companies and anti-piracy organisations desperately attempting to secure their stable doors while their prize fillies disappeared over the horizon in a cloud of dust.

FEBRUARY

Finally, we had our new president as Sauli Niinistö, er, beat off Pekka Haavisto by an impressive margin. But the funniest thing in politics was Finns MP Teuvo Hakkarainen in the news for going to a bike gang’s after party, reportedly being offered sex with a prostitute, refusing and then giving the lady in question 100 euros anyway ‘out of pity’. “I asked for it back, but she wouldn’t give it to me,” he said later.

MARCH

Finnish parliament speaker Eero Heinäluoma complains that MPs are drunk during working hours, while two MPs from Hakkarainen’s party are invited to North Korea after making facetious comments about the death of that country’s president. Are the two events related?

APRIL

The Angry Birds theme park opened at Särkänniemi in Tampere. The Gods wept.

MAY

Finally, someone made the decision to say ‘thanks but no thanks’ to the ridiculous vanity project that was the Helsinki Guggenheim museum. Well done, Helsinki City Council!

JUNE

The hard-rockin’ Sonisphere opened the Finnish festival season along with 47,000 Metallica fans, showcasing bands such as Amorphis and Machine Head. A few years ago you could barely find any large-scale events, these days they’re everywhere.

JULY

Finland was closed. Also, Gangnam Style – WTF?

AUGUST

The Olympics! A fantastic celebration of human endeavour and sportsmanship spoiled only by the fact that Finland won almost nothing. Seriously, we really sucked. Plus humankind landed on Mars, which was a significantly cooler thing.

SEPTEMBER

An anti-Muslim film made by fools and which has only actually been seen by ten people ignites the ire of select members of the global Muslim community, leading to riots, looting and murder. The rest of us condemn both the movie and the excess that followed it.

OCTOBER

Felix Baumgartner became the world’s least-flappable human being as he skydived from the edge of space, 39 kilometres up. General opinion was that it was deeply awesome. Not strictly to do with Finland, but I don’t care.

NOVEMBER

The world was saved when Barack Obama was re-elected as President of the US of A. The American populace must have got our memo.

DECEMBER

Apparently, the world will end on the 21 December 2012. It’s already ended for Nokia. Byeee!

Nick Barlow